i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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