Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
