Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
