Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
