Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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