My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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