got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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