The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
