You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
