rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
