She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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