so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
