I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
