He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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