Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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