Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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