If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
