If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
