mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
