Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
