I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
