The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
