Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
