Please, let me fuck your mom
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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