He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
