you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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