thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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