you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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