i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
