how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
