he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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