At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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