I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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