I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
