he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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