he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
