I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
