i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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