I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
