His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
