I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
