A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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