I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
