but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
