I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
