Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i think im in europe. pls send help
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
