I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
only you would photoshop your dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
