Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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