Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
