VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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