I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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