and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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